All-Star Superman

Where I recap Supes (that means spoilers).

Its a bird, its a plane. Why am I so excited about birds and planes in the sky? Did I have amnesia? And they didn’t even say that in this series. They all knew Superman would be flying in the air, lording over all of us with his “strength” and “awesomeness”.

This series starts and ends at the same place, the sun. Supes (we are buds) saves earth and a space mission to the sun (what the fuckety fuck) from this bloby blob thing by basically going into the fucking sun. But he is Superdur(maybe not the best buds) and is actually powered by the sun to be more awesome (what the fuckety fuck).

Supersweet (bffs again), I think, was created to be this kind of hometown boy with an awesome secret. A way for the awkward to feel powerful because inside the awkward is a pair of tights away from turning back time (really Cher that outfit on that ship?) and scoring the hot chick. I also think his character is super humble and sweet (at least from the versions I have encountered) because otherwise we would hate his fucking guts.
Batman is rich and powerful but he is still human. So even though he gets all the hotties and lords over all the baddies, he still has to work a bit to get to that point.  Superlucky (furrowed brow friends) gets all the blessings of the world – hot chicks, flight, strength, secret lairs to bring hot chicks-  without having to work. He is a reporter which reports on Superfortunate (very furrowed brow friends)— even his bumbling job is easy.  But he cares and saves us from all the horrible things that comes to Earth so we don’t question him (except Lexie).

Back to SuperSunSlut (frienemies) being all supercharged (pun intended) by the big yellow thing (is the sun). He is so charged that he is ready to burst. You know that one time you didn’t have sex or masturbate for like a month (week or days or minutes depending on your situation) and then you fucked so hard you felt like you were going to burst something wide open? Yeah he has that except he is Supes.

So what is a Superhunk (sultry stare friends) to do at the end of his life? Step 1. Reveal your true nature to your girlfriend.  Sidenote: How does she not know by now? And why does she not fucking believe him. Every EVERY time there is a problem for Supes, Clark Kent just HAPPENS to be away. Clark Kent gets ALL the Supes stories. They are the SAME build and and have the same fucking face. It isn’t like he wears a mask. And you Lois are a REPORTER. Deductive reasoning and putting clues together should be a top skill for you. Breath. Done.  Step 2. Fuck said girlfirend. Like with the fire of a thousand suns (that you now carry inside) Step 3. Let your fuck toy (oops love of your life) be you for a day (because you know you are that awesome)

Instead of really getting to use her powers, she is wooed by three other superheroes. Who really are running some type of superscam to get Supersavior (puzzled friends) to help them out. Of course Supes does, he is nice even when people are dicks. And his supergirl is back to being her normal hot self.
Then somehow Jimmy Olsen gets a story in this by being able to put on the Techinicolor Dreamcoat which allows him to rule over science. He was lucky or some shit that allowed him the chance to wear the Technicolor Dreamcoat when the hippie was away doing non TD science.  But Jimmy is Jimmy (honestly I don’t really know him that well) and gets into some Bizzaro shit (literally) and SuperFriend (aww friends) has to pull Jimmy out of this mess. Of course Supes gets into trouble. Then Jimmy all bulks up soft-spike style and helps Superbizzare (truth friends). So Jimmy gets all the praise at the end of the Technicolor Science day and gets to bed down his hot chick (not as hot as Lois).

Yumma Lois

Clark Kent (SuperSecret) visits Lexie in jail. Where Lexie insults him for a bit comparing him to Supes (he has to know the Secret). Then he starts a prison riot with blob creatures because SuperKent is close. Technically this is Supes fault. I guess he was just checking up on Lexie making sure he didn’t get into any troubles but you always know Lexie is up to something. Today it was releasing blobs and wearing bootie shorts (save those for Lois!). Luckily Lexie stays in jail and SuperSecret takes a boat through hades out of the prison.

Bootie Shorts and the River Styx

This makes him sad that his earth Pa is dead? I guess it is part of that end of life reflective stuff. So we are flashed back to Superfreshman visiting his family and friends. He hangs out, wonders about his dad’s new “helpers”. Thinking they are all evil and stuff when they are really just future Supes in disguise and they are trying to defeat this time-stealer thing. Supefresh is too intent on not obeying FutureSupes that he misses the moment his Pa dies.  But because this is the end of his life, CurrentSupes is actually one of the FutureSupes, gets to be there. Closure. SuperRose. Oh yeah Hyperpoon:

Hyperpoon!

So then Bizzaro world comes back this time with a vengeance. So SuperAwesome (so many fucks were given-friends) travels to Squearth and kind of gets sucked in. Bizzaro world is cool but the fact that everyone is a dummy with a Yodaspeak is a bit much sometimes for me.It did allowme to see Bizzaro Green Lantern (fuck that guy) not have any powers probably because he didn’t know how to fluff his bring. SuperStuck is helped out by Zibarro (kept on confusing him with Sabarro and I was craving mall pizza this entire issue)  with a dummy made rocket (that seems secure).

Ha Ha!

While he was on Squearth, some other people from Krypton come down to save the planet. Maybe I don’t understand Krypton. I thought it was bloweded upeded?  And if Kryptonese can visit whenever they want to “save” the Earth, why didn’t they do this before Supes? How many tragedies befell Earth due to inexplicable blob creatures? Needless to say they are kind of SuperAssholes and in the end get hurt and have to mind meld with each other for all of time.

Then we get to the last testimony of SuperEnding (understandable friends). He starts to give his last words into some sort of complicated recorder but is stopped because Lois is trapped by a giant Lost in Space robot (danger!). You may wonder how Lois got into trouble? Was she just that hot that the dude wanted her? Maybe, but she walked into it. Why would a person almost die on purpose? To get SuperLoveSlave’s attention. Because he didn’t return some phone calls because you know he was too busy tying up loose ends. Since he is dying and all. Chill bitch. Chill. SuperEfficient (spring cleaning friends) eventually ties up all the loose ends he has. He even has time to save people (including a beautiful moment with a girl on a ledge).

Lexie is electrified in the chair. This does not kill him. For some reason the police thought it was a smart idea to allow Lexie to have whatever-the-fuck-he-wanted while in his cell. So he created a potion to not only defeat death, use the electricity to make him super strong. Way to go , police. So of course he escapes and wreaks havoc. SuperDying (consoling friends) tries to help but Lexie unleashes a sun blob on him. Trying to figure this mess out, kills him. OHNO!!

Much like Harry Potter, SuperDead meets someone wizened in the afterlife. SuperDad tells SuperCorpse (frenemies again) that it is his choice to live or to die. Of course they aren’t going to kill off Superman in this series. Seeing his father in the Krypto-afterlife works for this version of Superman.  Of course SuperNearlyDead  (acquaintances) chooses life- Lexie is still on the loose. He defeats Lexie with ease and makes him cry. The sun is still brokeded so SuperTimely has to go fix it. He kisses Lois and proclaims his love then flies off to become one with the sun.
Lois waits and Technicolor Dreamcoat Science prepares to create SuperDeuce. The end.

In all seriousness as I can muster without being too boring: I found this series fun and so different than what I imagined Superman comics to be. There is great love and care for the person that is Superman but enough pull to take him into interesting directions. Lots of aspects of him are explored in this series which makes it compelling for the SuperNovice.  I know I have given up most of the plot but the beauty of a comic book series, is that the artwork and the choice words used really do make the series excel to greatness. Grant Morrison and Frank Quietly both have this level of precision that make the story pop so well. Beyond my snark retelling.

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