Tu Vuo Fa l’Americano

When trying to find the correct spelling of the title of this post, I found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZ_2CCET7Tg. Now I am a puddle of goooooo.

Let foreigners use your computer and sign into their iTunes you may find your iTunes store is all foreigny.  Yesterday when looking for songs from the show Nashville, I realized my iTunes store was chock-full of vowels (haha geddit?). So instead of finding the songs I was looking for, I spent 20 minutes playing all of the Italian Top Songs that I didn’t know. I came to one conclusion: most songs that are popular in Italy (that aren’t from other countries) is crap. I tried to like those songs but after the 6th song, by a marginally okay singer, I was done. Before I left, I did find one Italian reggae song.
I guess as an experiment or whatever, Andreaboo decided to fill my ears with more musica Italiano! So without further ciao (that works methinks) here are my thoughts on these Italian gems:

Tiziano Ferro – Troppo Buno

I feel like most of these songs are songs that your mom would like if you were a child in the 80s. That Chris DeBurgh– Lady in Red, style. I imagine the video for this song to have a long arm stretched out to offer a crumb to a pauper and then quickly it is snatched back. Because the pain of feeding you this crumb, you poor urchin, is too much for my strong heart. I am now crying at a window where it is raining outside. Thinking about the poor ruffian I denied a crumb of my nutella bread. My bed is now empty that used to be occupied by my super hot girl. I can still see her there in a flashback. Now we are flashback fighting. She is pissed that  I didn’t give the Oliverino bread. I tried to explain  but she just doesn’t understand this immense pain I have inside of me. Now I have decided to walk down the street looking into the clouds longingly.

Negramaro- Mentre Tutto Scorre

This is the 311 of Italia. Maybe not.  I can’t explain it, but I have heard songs like this here in San Diego. It isn’t horrible. It is the songs that I skip with a passion.  I think you can be moderately proud of this song as a country. Ooh it has a kind of rappish part. Which is hard to do when your language is so fluid and romantical. You don’t have the harsh sharp breaks that English has. So I give this song a sideway thumb for those who like this kind of stuff more than me.

Ministri – Tempi Bui

I am really hoping this is a rip off of Ministry. Sadly I am let down. Ooh he got some angry emotion. Enthusasmo! Oooh it is running song. Or driving song. Though I would probably try to maim anyone who played this on a road trip (fair warning!). Some of these songs I am curious to know what they are singing, however with this one I really don’t care. I feel like some of these songs these singers just don’t really care. For a country that is all about passion you seem to fail on the music. Even Ke$ha puts some love into Sleazy. This song is trying to evoke emotion that is still laying at the bottom of the river with the starved urchin from the first song. Ooh an Indian thing at the end. See we do have culture? Sure lets go with that.

Malika Ayane – Ricomincio da qui

Ooh my first chick! She has a nice breathy voice. Omg this the Italian Love Boat song. I imagine Captin Stubing asking the ingenue Italian woman to sing a song when she is on the ship. Maybe she flirts with Gopher a bit. Maybe she steals some precious jewels. Whatever that will make this song interesting. Maybe this is used in a torture scene in Saw VII: Journey to Italy. I vote for that one.

Afterhours- Ballata Per La Mia Piccola Iena

U2 wanna be? Are they better or worse than U2? I am undecided. This has a bit more emotion than the others. I just find it so boring. I really don’t have much to say. Lets say I will play this song to put me to sleep only after I have had five ambien.

Marlene Kuntz- La Canzone Che Scrivo Per Te

She kind of sings like Brandon Flowers. It is kind of breathy and sexy. What is with all the chicks and the breathy? Are they are all skanked out too? or classy? English ! Some poetic lyrics too. These just all fall into those type of songs I find boring unless they have a super catchy chorus. I need some catchy stuff to keep me going. Lets add some “Oops I did it again” to this song. Back to the writing table with you!

Giusy Ferreri – Aria di Vita

I think that this was chosen for me because the name is close to Guy Fieri and it is known that I do not care for him.  This song is pretty. Not as breathy as the other girls on this list. My favorite of the chicks. Are these all sexin songs? Do you woo your ladies putting on these songs? Is that what I am missing? Is this a lovemaking song or just a light diddling song? Where do songs with whistle solos fit into the sex night? If you are getting anal and your partner starts to whistle, shut that down immediately. Especially if it is Winds of Change.

Caprarezza -Il Secondo Secondo Me

Oooh violin and subtle ootnz oontz music. So I realized that the Italian dance music has a very similar feel to the Mexican dance music I know. I think they could be the same thing.  It is catchy and fun enough and the oontz aren’t that bad. I think he just said the Ferrari is bad and called someone a ship. I think now they are talking about change in parliament  I assume when you hear this song in a club there is lots of dancing and fist pumping. Then sipping on your Amaretto Sours.

Carmen Consoli – Confusa E Felice

I really thought this was going to be Country. Maybe it is. It kind of starts off that way. Maybe that is why her voice is so fucking affected. And breathy. I also really think the girls lay on the rolling the “r”s. Is that so you know that she gives good blow job tongue? That she isn’t all sucking and lips? Or that she also likes to play on the girls team? I am assuming this song is about her being confused on being faithful. What does it mean? If we never say, “don’t suck random dicks” does that mean I can put them all in my mouth? I mean you said don’t suck that guy’s dick. Not don’t suck those guy’s dicks. Specify your pronouns (also a Schoolhouse Rock song).

Nathalie – Vivo Sospesa

Since the list started off with male singers and most of the top songs list seemed to be dominated that way, I expected this to be heavy on the guys. Now I am wanting them back. These breathy bitches are boring after the babillionth time of the same thing. I get it– you like to breathe. Guess what? All mammals do! You aren’t bringing anything new to the table. I am now curious what part of sex this song falls into. I am assuming with that guitar solo, it is the climax. Maybe some very emotional dessert. Engorged cake. K that sounds icky. Really the only time the word engorged sounds okay is followed by cock or clit. Even then that is teetering icky. Like if Chuckles the Clown asked to see your engorged clit, unless you had a clown thing (which is cool- no it isn’t), that is creeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

And I am done. That was so so painful.

Good Italiano music I know of:

There is a good hip-hop artist Emis Killa. The rap isn’t the best and I blame the melodic language rather than him (especially since I don’t know what he is talking about). Seek that out.

Also there is this song. Which is crack in the it-might-be-laced-with-poison kind of way. I have been told it is like those annoying repetitive English songs (says the boy who enjoys I Gotta Feeling by BEP). It seems like a hip Old McDonald had a farm to me. Which I am okay with. Oink Oink to your Oontzes.  You decide.

I didn’t link these songs because of two primary reasons A) they aren’t worthy for your ears to hear it B) that is so much work.

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