James Bond movies are a deadly Amazing Race season wrapped into a tight 2 hours. Because I love travel and murrrrrrrrrrrrrder (in the theoretical sense, not the literal one) I am going to review at least a majority (if not all) of the Bond movies. This is leading up to the release and my watching of the latest Bond movie, Skyfall (twinkly eyes).
After watching all available Homelands in the span of a week and watching a good number of these Bond movies already I feel I am aptly qualified to review these spy action movies. Also I have seen (but not walked into that would give up my cover) a spy supply shop in San Francisco. So dear gentle reader, I will give you all of my quips and thoughts about these movies. Note there will be spoilers. Lots of juicy yummy spoilers.
So why not start with a Timothy Dalton one? He was the favorite right? He was so good they only allowed him to do two(?). They didn’t want the world to implode on itself with so much awesome compacted into a two hour gems of movies. So lets start with The Living Daylights. Here are my general observations:
- Everyone talks about snakes, but what about the desks on a plane? Why are there motherfucking desks on a plane?
- Fuck you scary monkey. Don’t jump out at me ever again.
- Has there ever actually been a speeding car with a person riding on the top, then climbing in, and then them fighting?
- If a random guy parachutes on to your boat, sexy ladies, do you A)punch them in the crotch B)scream and run to the other side of the boat C) offer him champagne and fuck him silly?
- This is totally the women empowerment Bond- women as snipers and spies. All sexily dressed of course.
- A ghetto blaster joke? Really? I know the other ones I saw had camp, but were they this fucking cheeky?
- Watch out the milkman has a bbbbbbbbbomb!
- I wonder if T. Daltz looks at Jon Hamm and says “hey that is what I was trying to do!”
- There are so many fucking people sweeping in Bratislava Is this what communism does to a country? Makes it filthy? I thought that was just an exaggeration.
- 4 guns + 1 tank vs 1 cello case. Yeah that cello is so going to win. I know you are talented Bond, but seriously.
- I really think this opera is singing “donkey kong, donkey kong”. I am just going to believe that it is so.
- Fidgety gay spy is full of excuses. Less talky more spying.
- Oh noes he dieded. Is it because he was gay?
- If you are going to have sex in a carriage of a Ferris wheel, don’t do it on the stuffed elephants. Its scares them.
- Don’t spill the clean laundry on the floor. How rude!
- Your drink is spiked Bond. I realized this and I am supposedly not a super spy like you. But guess who didn’t get drugged, Bond?
- I know you are trying to quickly smuggle drugged Bond out of the country but Jerry Bondov? Was Sammy Compact taken?
- Ooo opium disguised as food from the red cross. Clever. No one would ever suspect a thing. Never ever. Except Bond who we have established isn’t that good of a spy.
- The shower on the military base was completely lifted by a small bull dozer. This is the second building that just “floated” away in this movie. Foundations are your friends people.
- This plane is the slowest fucking plane in the world. But it did give me the plane hijinks I was missing in the last plane scene.
- Down with bridges! Fuck bridges!
- Alternate title for this movie: Explosions? We Gots them!!!
The plot for the movie was a typical Bond: long weaving plot that sometimes is confusing but in the end sort of makes sense. Timothy Dalton as Bond was so boring to me. I didn’t see the charisma as the other ones. He was just dead inside to me. My biggest issue with this movie was the main girl, Kara. OMG she is so stupid that I don’t understand why bond wants to be with her or keep her around.
She has to get her cello which gets them chased after. He tells her to fly the plane straight and she tilts the fucking thing, opens doors, almost crashes into a fucking mountain. She better give some pretty good sex because I would need to fuck that dumb look she always has so hard to feel any sort of justice in my spy world.
So if you need to complete the Bond movie watching, see this. Otherwise skip it.