The Spy Who Reviewed Me: Dr. No

My darling

My Darling Dr. No,

You tried so hard to kill James Bond from the start:

  • Three Blind Mice – seriously, have you ever seen three blind people together at once? Obvious giveaway, my calm-headed villain.
  • Suicidal Chauffeur – clever to have someone that would take the final cigarette for you. Bad that they failed so miserably at killing Bond.
  • Spider- points for creativity my rubber handed misanthrope. Next time try for angrier, hungrier spider. This way they won’t just scamper on.
  • Driving off the road – a classic and should have been your first not 4th attempt at his life, my darling of death.
  • Professor Rock-dude- not even trying to kill Bond but when had the chance, failed.

In the end he killed you but I will never forget that short time we had. Your precision and care for your prisoners. Make them feel comfortable with showers and coffee before you chain them to a rock. Those small touches made me wooed by your pure evil genius.
You created a fire tank to ward off intruders to your maniacal island of doom.
Sure you lost your hands in a freak science accident. Who hasn’t? There are many things we can do without hands.
I promised to not make fun of the fact your suit matched the sheets. You have your favorite color and who am I to judge. I praised you for your theme of copper running throughout your island lair. It was subtle but ever present. I always felt like a moscow mule was just seconds from my hand.
I will forever miss you my evilness of evil boos. You died like a pussy but you lived like a man who was scorned by a society that didn’t understand the power of SPECTRE (Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion).
I hope you don’t mind me taking your Abandon Area flashing sign because that was wicked cool. I need something to remember my treacherous treat by.
If you ever happen to come back to life, next isle of bad deeds you create, no need for the huge danger sign. The guys on the boat shooting at you and then the dogs chasing after you are already your sign. We know you have an island of fucking evil.
My evil love will always be betrothed to you.
Your Mistress Yes

PS. Ever notice that Bond really really likes his nooners?

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