A new year is upon you and you more than likely have a list or a couple of resolutions in your pocket. There is a high probability that you have failed some or all of them. And if you are in a group is all “I am toooooo good for resolutions” well I am still going to give you some possibilities Some reworkings of classic resolutions to make your 2013 full of fun and joy and creativity.
So around Christmas you got too drunk to forget and some kid stole your shoes. Well that is what you tell people because you don’t fully remember the very sing-songy story he told. Something vaguely about shoes for Jesus’s mom which didn’t seem possible to you. So you just let the shoes go. And now you need new shoes. If this story isn’t true (sure it isn’t), lets start of with an easy goal. One that you can achieve quickly to feel good to do the rest. If these shoes are Christian Louboutins then, go fuck yourself. Also I would suggest if you take up the Huey Lewis goal, get good running shoes.
Learn an awesome new skill. Like Roller Skating. It tried to make a come back a bit ago and it should come back even more now. I want to go roller skating but not feel like a old bag lady trying to get the dj to play “Forever Your Girl” or slow skate to “I Remember When”. It doesn’t have to be Roller Skating. Not rollerblading, though. I never could do that and so that means the rest of you can’t also. Learn to snowboard.
With pot being more legal, your sales have gotten slim. You could switch to selling meth but that is so trendy right now. Everyone now is scouring all the home depots for meth making items. Stealing all the sudafeds. So be an inventor and create a new drug. One that will reduce drug related car crashes possibly. Something called Ceth or mocaine. I dunno. You are the drug inventor. Do it. Add it to the list.
Becoming Zen, Relax, Chilled
You could use this song as your mantra when you are trying out that new meditation or yoga you read in your Dummies book. Nothing is more relaxing than hearing the sweet dulcet tones of Mr. Farrell. This song is as calming as shooting heroin while hot wax is poured on your back and you see your pet cock roaming around the room. Either way be like a pig, roll in some mud and throw all those fucks away. Except the ones you use to actually fuck someone.
If Frankie tells you to do it, do it. He will keep the vampires from your door. Only if you do what he tells you. In this fast-paced world of flying cars and organ repossessions… I went too far didn’t I? You haven’t gotten to it yet. Forget what I said. It is just movies that you wanted to see on Netflix. Yes just stories. Sink into the couch and watch Sherlock (it is amazingtastical) or Saved by the Bell (large phones!!). Eat something ending in “tos” and enjoy some moments of doing nothing of importance.
Double trouble goal!!! Use this song to work the flab away and also learn how to pick up on chicks. Oops I mean respectfully talk to a woman to be able to invite her to coffee or watching you play Skyrim (don’t do this one). Remember that girls dressed in yellow are 10 times more likely to call you fellow.
Bank robbing. Most profitable goal you can have. Would also suggest you do the buy a new pair of running shoes goal first. Maybe buy a good mask for the second goal. Then a bag for the money for the third goal. Then bank robbing.
If this isn’t on your list, add it now. Goodreads is a good site/app to track all of your reading. Learn to read if you don’t (but if you don’t know how to read then how are you reading this? Now my head hurts). Green Eggs and Ham is a good start. I heard that it rhymes. IT RHYMES PEOPLE. LIKE MAGIC. BURN A WITCH. oops sorry. Okay find something you want to read. This isn’t a time for Proust (unless that is your ting). Trashy is fine. Gossip Girl was books. Try that.
Read more poetry. I am going to for 2013 and I think you should too. I forgot how good poetry can be and I will try to write and read more. Also break up with your lover if you are just dangling on. Wait don’t do that because I said that. I don’t want that kind of responsibility You do what you fell is best. But maybe talk to people more. Be more honest in your relationships. This is a great new goal (seriously a good one). Also when you read or write poetry for 2013, make it good. Like actually good. Don’t do this:
The pain in my heart
is filled with the abyss
of your saturated hues
Yellow Tonka Truck
I love you
Moving on Up
You want a promotion and you just bought that kick ass pencil skirt. How about you bend over and pick up an actual pencil and see about that raise.
11. Jeffersons Theme
If you have followed all my sound advice and plans then you should be singing this song loud and proud.
All awesome jokes inside the songs are solid and should be heard. Playlist