Clearing the Queue: The Smurfs

I figured out how the zombie apocalypse will start. It won’t be from some virulent disease, bite from a deformed bug, or anything the movies tell you. It will be a gradual apocalypse that will start slow from people watching movies like The Smurfs. They will sit on their couches and watch movie after movie filled with bad jokes and insane plots. Movies so devoid of any thought, imagination or intelligence that they will lose the ability to think about anything. Forming clear thoughts will be gone. They will yearn to have some sort of smart again. The desire will be from their core but they will have no knowledge how obtain this illusive “smart”. Except there will be a  primordial call to them that the “squishy stuff under the hard tings at the top ball that makes the noise” is the key to being normal again. Since all they know how to do is eat and watch things, they can’t watch the squishy stuff  and therefore they must eat it. And thus the first zombie is born. We will think it is a fluke and more rehashing of ideas from our happy childhoods will happen. More zombies will be created. The world will end to the tune  “la la la la sing a happy song”

  • “You now lie deep in an enchanted forest” – Sleeping Beauty to Prince Charming after waking up. 
  • Why did you feel the need to take characters from MY CHILDHOOD and make them creepy moving things?  And this is coming from someone who saw Spanish Smurf porn. This is way more chilling to my bones. Smurf Porn : 1 Smurf Movie: 0
  • I am blue about the blue jokes.
  • Only acceptable blue joke:
  • The puppet Smurfs that Gargamel created are less creepy by like infinity.
  • And if he made Smurfette why can’t he make Smurfs to be his puppets? The fact that Gargmel created a girl Smurf is super creepy. The fact that the Smurfs didn’t know that there was a possibility of other girls is creepy. It is some gay Garden of Eden. Garden of Creepin. BOOM!
  • Needing Smurf essence isn’t creepy at allllllllllllllllllllllllllll.
  • Azrael was adorable for 1 second then I realized it was a fake fucking stupid cat.
  • 99 Smurfs but a bit….. oh wait Smurfette is still there.
  • Cake is to Death as Vortex is to Gargamel
  • How did the Scottish one survive? And the black one? Is this their idea of Smurfversity?
  • Hey Smurfs, cats can climb trees too.  (FYI)
  • Yes your child is going to be attached to a cylon. NERD JOKE!!!!
  • Port-a-potties are a source of dark magic. If only Voldemort knew he might have defeated Harry Pooper (lololololol -I’m 12.)
  • The Smurfs are mythical creatures from Belgium and yet there is a Scottish one.
  • This is the part where we quote known phrases for 2 minutes because we ran out of script.
  • So the cat knows about bathrooms in the modern world but Gargamel doesn’t?
  • The Smurf who just sat in blue m&ms thinking was poo, just decided to eat them? Because when I sit in poo my first thing is to go “hey let me taste this”. (FYI – I don’t sit in poo)
  • Kitty flew into the Hello Kitty display. Just in case you forgot what that mangled CGI orange thing was.
  • I really should have counted all of the ball jokes done by the Haggis Smurf.
  • There is a Passive-Aggressive Smurf? I want also Farty Smurf (12 again), Stabby Smurf, Complicated-But-Failed-Schemes Smurf, Rube Goldberg Machine Smurf, and Chris Tucker Smurf.
  • “Do you want coffee?” “Is a Smurf’s butt blue?” I really wanted the answer to be “actually it  is the only part that isn’t blue and I am now dead from drinking coffee” Yes Smurfs can talk when they are dead. It is a Smurf thing you wouldn’t understand (like you understand the rest of this fucking movie)
  • This movie is so tiring. It is draining me of all of my essence. I am turning into this blob that just goes” Blue things say funny tings. Laugh now. Blue tings run. Blue tings don’t hurt blue tings. Kitty cat laughs”
  • Seriously there is 20 minutes left and my eyes have so much more they can never unsee.
  • I want to cry because I am so frustrated. I thought watching Amour was hard.
  • Smurf Army Snore
  • I hate this self-awareness now. If you were this self-aware you wouldn’t have made this version of the movie. You are just trying to excuse yourself for destroying good things in this world. It is like when you walk into a pretty place and someone smeared shit all over the walls and wrote quippy things like “Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder” next to a picture of an asshole.
  • I hate everything in the world that created this movie
  • I am surprised it took that long for Haggis to shout “freedom.”
  • Lets use all the cliches!!!
  • It took FOUR people to write this movie. FOUR. This is like one of the light bulb jokes right? One to write the movie and three to mash the keyboard going “me do tings pretty mamma”

I am really pissed at the laziness of the script. I feel like they just closed their eyes and pointed at something and decided to replace that with a variation of ”Smurf”.  Which isn’t how you should write anything. The original Smurfs were good and would have lent to a good quality movie.
I really want Smurfs 2 to have a scene where they meet the girls of Sex and the City. Because seriously what would try your patience more than seeing those women with their forced puns trying to talk to the Smurfs with their Smurfisms?

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