The Bible – It Begins

For some reason in America we love to bring out Bible stories before Easter. I understand the Jesus story,  but we don’t do the same for Christmas.  For Christmas we seem to  throw some figurines at a manger-like ting and done.  Oh and sing dirge-like thing.  Also why is it the 10 Commandments and not stories of Christ?

Confuzzlement aside, the History Channel is doing some huge miniseries on the Bible. It is being produced by an angel and a survivor.  And since I wanna be like the cool kids, I am starting to watch it. So this means you get Vivi commentary.

The biggest complaint I have about the series as a  whole is the casting. There are plenty of good Middle Eastern actors out there that you could use. At least not super white people. Having them grow a beard or put some dirt on their face doesn’t make them look more ethnic.

WARNING:  There will be some criticisms of  the series itself. However most will be my commentary on the Bible stories.  I don’t have the faith to suspend belief for these stories. So if you are squeamish about this stuff, just stop here.  I am not responsible for you getting offended.

  • For some reason Noah is Sean Connery. Wasn’t there an Eddie Izzard bit about that? There was! What a great way to start off this series to make me think you are serious.
  • “And on the 7th day , God was a righteous sleeping dick”
  • The narrator’s voice is more powerful than “God’s” voice.
  • I wouldn’t listen to that voice if it spoke to me. I would be “Nah I will just continue herding my sheep and dreaming of being a fighter pilot. I should invent a plane first. Note to self: “sacrifice” a bird next time to figure out how they fly.”
  • Abraham is like a British Mandy Patinkin. Next he will be talking about the problem isn’t the sins in Sodom and Gomorrah but coffee in cardboard cups.
  • I really don’t remember any definable rules from God  about what is right and wrong at this point. So how the fuck can there be sinful cities if there are no sins known to commit?
  • Maybe you should get salted too Lot (sorry spoilers). Such a Dick move. Abbie Patinkin saves your life and you are all “kthxbai. Going to Sodom. I hear it is blow jobs all the time”
  • Actually I don’t blame you Lot. I would go for Sodom too. I am down with lots of head and a bit of anal. Oh yeah and all the gay sex I can watch. Yeah. Sorry Patinkin.
  • When Sarah told Abbie “Take the servant girl  to make some fine sweet babies”, Abbie should have responded with “What is this? Gomorrah? Boom! I am here all night. In bed with the servant girl, whatsherface. Try the goat. Before it turns. Seriously we killed it 7 suns ago, it is going to turn”
  • Supposedly sin is: making out in the alleyways, large transvestites, fire eating and belly dancing.
  • Revenge angel looks way too excited. To be fair it is good to be excited about going to work.
  • Seriously angels, you out ran Lot and his family.
  • Who is the British white kid and why is he talking to Abbie Patinkin?
  • If your dad  took some time to tell you about his Criminal Minds days, you would have known to expect this “sacrifice to God”
  • Also maybe if you weren’t British, he wouldn’t have tried to kill you.
  • My BFF (Bex) was right: this is just a huge episode of Punkd. Maybe that is why God’s voice is so douchey.
  • Better hope you can catch that lamb or you might be sacrificed for real now.
  • So basically this is the part where we learn that if you believe in God, as society progresses  you become a slave.
  • Sad we skipped Joseph. He was awesome.
  • Moses was very metrosexual.
  • Oh Moses let me sing you the song of your birth “basket babies riding down the stream. Basket babies trying not to dream:
  • I shouldn’t be turned on by all this whipping right?
  • Aww old Gallagher is hiding dead bodies  for Mosey.
  • I wish that God said to Mosey “Can we start with a smaller goal? How about I free some goats for you?”
  • Moses: God is going to kill all first born males. Slaves: But surely not us. We are special.  Moses: no sorry death will come for us all. Slaves: rumble rumble Moses: oh wait there is one thing you can do. Sorry m’bad.
  • Hey super white Moses, you and your people can go. No wait come back, there is one more Pyramid you need to finish. Sorry forgot for a second that you killed MY SON.
  • Every time I see the story of Moses leading the slaves out of Egypt, I think they are all super bitchy. These people saw acts of God and still doubt Moses. And complain. I would let them die and run away. Then this is maybe why God doesn’t talk to me. Also I don’t have a penis and that seems to be some sort of God divining rod.
  • Finally some rules for this messed up world. Maybe some of this senseless death would stop. ooooooor Not.
  • Do you think Leviticus exists because they were so whiny? So God was all– You get all the rules!!! No bacon for you! Try to question my Mosey again! I dare you!!
  • And the commandments are the most important but just as equal as all those silly rules in that book?? I has a confuzzled. I feel sorry for them going to hell for delicious bacon wrapped shrimp on a naked man.
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