The Bible- And the Band (Army) Played On

Again, if you are sensitive to this material and what might be said– Stop here.

This episode was called “Homeland” and strangely it didn’t have Abbie Patikin. Sadface. It did have lots of war. I guess this is the war period of the Bible. The “You can never take our freedom” portion.

  • Joshua wants to conquer Jericho because a box told him too. Okay. My cheerios tell me to eat strawberries with my cereal. Maybe add some sugar. I guess different boxes do different things. 
  • Maybe I am missing something and just missed a huge piece but Israel seems to have been searching and conquering for their promised land for a long time. And doing it because a douchey voice, a burning bush and now a box told them.
  • That Whore is hot. Seriously she is a whore. I swearz I was respectful.
  • Biblical flash mob! With bleeding ears! That is how I feel with some flash mobs.
  • The lack of ethnic diversity in the people for some reason seems expressed in the angels. Maybe the angels stole all the color.
  • And now the Israelites are black.
  • God finally talks to a woman, Samson’s mamma, and it all breaks bad. I think the penis makes for clearer content.
  • Samson acts like those big dumb wrestlers that are at the mercy of their managers. I smash things now? I break buildings boss?
  • How did you end up with two boomerangs?  What is the Godly purpose of this? Never mind those are bones. Honestly I would much rather that you had boomerangs.
  • If we can not best Samson with your strength, we can use our whores. We have plenty of those!!
  • Samson uses his strength to fuck. Is that like Edward fucking Bella? Did they break many beds? GOY Samson.  I would do the same Sammie. I would choose women over God. They are so soft and smell good. God smells like air and feels like air.
  • I will go with the fact that the Philistines, Egyptians, and basically everyone not the Israelites are evil as all Gomorrah, but do they really scheme that much?
  • Delilah is Irish and is tempted by a box of money. – Note I made. Wasn’t comparing the two. I don’t know what I was trying to say.
  • What makes you strong Sammie? Uh Me have God in me. Oh and me have long hair God say no cut. Maybe that it.
  • How messed up my head is: I just realized that when I thought of this story, I always  thought Delilah was the good person and Samson was the dick. That she was toppling a giant by cutting his hair. Wow. My head.
  • Delilah has collagen lips. How do you do that? Goat fat?
  • Don’t you hate it when your woman cuts your hair for money? That is some reverse Gift of the Maging if there ever was one.
  • And the evil dude blinded Samson with his thumbs. That is kind of bad ass. I want to be that dude. I am down with scheming. Carry on.
  • I just don’t understand how God who chose these people to be his “chosen” people, then selects people like Samson to carry out his wishes. I don’t understand the value in this.
  • Especially when Samson died by biblical suicide bombing.
  • Samuel looks like Obi Wan Kenobi. Is this like Obi Wan picking Luke to defeat Darth Vader? Does it mean he should be the one to kill God?
  • Saul !!!!! I anoint thee Pre-Jesus.
  • Obi Samuel is like a babillion years old. Patience young Saul Skywalker.
  • God really likes to direct people to slaughter en masse. It is like there is a footnote on Thou shall not kill*
  • Saul Skywalker just killed a whole bunch of campers.
  • Pre-Jesus is kind of a dick and that is why when you say “Obi Samuel you are our only hope”, Obi Samuel has left.
  • So many fucking sheep. What is this New Zealand? Don’t slay the Hobbits!! Theya re a quiet and unremarkable people.
  • Putting dirt on kid David’s face doesn’t make him more Middle-Eastern. He is still a pretty English boy.
  • David:  This old man annointed me king by pouring warm liquid all over my face. seems legit.
  • I think I thought Samson and Delilah was like David and Goliath.
  • I was wrong earlier. David is Pre-Jesus. Makes sense he is slightly less dick than Saul.
  • Saul got a horse!!!!  But you are back to being a huge dick (like the horse!!!!!!) Booo Saul.
  • Saul killed himself? Did he do it so David could be king or because he was a pussy?
  • We like David as king. Yes?
  • No he just impregnated another man’s wife. He Koreshed this situation. David (see what I did there) Koresh did that right?
  • If you had just told Uriah that his options was to fuck his wife or be killed, he would have chosen appropriately.
  • Does David get forgiveseys for his adultry and killing of Uriah because he is the king? If so then this is appropriate.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s