Clearing the Queue: The Raven

I could have watched a better movie. Andreaboo had highlighted better movies on my list but I just ignored all of the highlights. I was going to watch Downfall but it was 2 and half hours long and I didn’t want to go to bed so late. And I didn’t want something super intense so I settled on the Raven.

Sigh. I knew it was going to be bad and that I would hate it. What brought me to watching it was the literary thing , the serial killer thing and the possibility it would be interesting. I don’t regret my choice because I got good notes. And the movie wasn’t that horrible. It was mildly interesting and had some great violent scenes. So just know it is a borderline crapfest that just ends up being meh.

Notes:

  • I am calling this movie Pre-The Following. Now with actual Poe
  • I learned that Poe may have been victim to Cooping.Which is drugging and kidnapping people and forcing them to vote multiple times. That is so fucking elaborate for some votes.  I also learned this because I was curious not because of this lame movie.
  • Fuck this movie is dark. I can’t see anything. Someone turn on a light.
  • Its BATES!!! He has no limp! He is healed!!!!! America is magic. See? Suck it Dowager Countess
  • Lets remember now that no one fucking knows who Poe is. Since this movie is based on someone killing because of his writings
  • The pendulum death was so fucking epic. That is worth the movie alone. And sorry dude that you had children and died. But it was in the name of a cool death. So you will always have that.
  • Also as cool as that death was, How long did it take to set that up? Did you have to consult a blacksmith? How much money do you have Mr. Murdery?
  • Of course Poe has a pet raccoon.  Since you have to be seriously weird to write dark things.
  • You go Poe. Woo those pretty girls with your poem about an annoying bird. “Quoth my pants, always more”
  • Holy sausage knuckles this script is so laborious. Please tell me again the reasons why people kill.
  • Now you are explaining everything. Expositions for everyone!!!
  • I love a good masked ball. I have never been to one. But I assume it would be awesome and I would be cute in a mask.
  • I kind of wanna search for masked ball porn. That is wrong right? I mean people having sex in pretty dresses, masks and feathers. Not one where balls are covered in masks. Pervs
  • Poe’s fake love interest (only real for the movie people) has super beautiful earrings.  Her second set I would kill for. (hahhaha)
  • I need a quote from my writings to quote under my breath as my “lets go” chant. Let me try “Applesauce, ChickenPox. We Ride!”
  • This movie is like a shitty old-timey The Wire
  • Sure let’s blow out the lights in the dark tunnel. I am an ace detective that also has night vision. I also want this movie to be dark as all fuck because Vivi doesn’t need to see anything.
  • Yes his “prose is barbaric” much like this script. BOOOOOOOM
  • There is a dead guy in a dress. We get to laugh at this right?
  • A sextant on a sea-man that you get in the orient. I will not make a joke. I am stronger than this.
  • “To find a location you need three things- blah blah blah. You think he would have been relieved or pissed When Google Maps was invented?
  • You just defined longitude and latitude to me. Seriously? I am not here to learn. This isn’t and episode of Mr. Wizard.
  • I seriously love a good throat slashing.
  • Detective Fields is doing the most lame Joseph Gordon Levitt Impression ever. I wonder if he thinks at the end of this movie he will get to be Robin. He will probably be Nightwing because he sucks.
  • Can we leave the Mope chasing to the actual POLICE.
  • Now you are in the foggy woods with no horse and a gun you keep shooting at the air. You only have so many bullets, Edgar
  • So you wrote Emily’s survival by letting her punch her way out of a coffin. That was sooooooo easy for The Bride.
  • Holy Boobs Batman. You can crawl out of my gave anytime.
  • Please let the killer be Longfellow. That would make this movie so worth it.
  • Poe’s horrible shooting is why there are gun control laws.
  • She is dying. There is no time for drinks!!!
  • And seriously he is stealing your stories. Couldn’t you think ahead just once in this fucking movie? Hmmm lets see I wrote the Tell Tale Heart and the crazy fucker hasn’t used that. Maybe that might be something. HMMMMMMM
  • This is like Sherlock Holmes for the criminally retarded
  • You killed a guy with a pendulum. Jumped off of a building while slitting a man’s throat.  Did some other epic murders. And now you are going to kill Poe by poison? Really? How hard would it be to get down-low blacksmith to create a murder machine to beat all murder machines?
  • There are no planes. So to get from Baltimore to Paris you can only do so by boat and train. So how the fuck did Detective Fields get there before the killer when the killer had like a ton of lead time?  My conclusion is that Detective Fields is going to be my partner on the next Amazing Race.

 

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