I sacrificed a bit of my sanity to watch this mess. I did it so you didn’t have to watch this. For reals. I even bolded the winners so you don’t have to go no where else. I take care of my babies. Let me stroke your hair a bit. Just how you like it. Wow that got creepy
I don’t know if I am too old or if this is superbad. I still like childish things and silly humor, so I am going to go with this is really really bad. It was painful. So painful I would rather be fisted. Shameless Promotion- Check out the Fist. Awesome podcast and less painful than this clusterfuck. This isn’t the kind of pain you ask for in your momma’s German sex dungeon.
- Iron Mangina.. Seriously? This is the only person that made mangina funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIInySnQe4I
- Such a stupid opening bit with James Franco.. And I like Rebel Wilson…. Well I liked her in Pitch Perfect. Maybe she is only funny when given lines.
- Lose Yourself with Pitch Perfect boys. Happy to see them but this is bad. I thought she was funny but this isn’t funny.. She is fat we get it… Choose something else to make fun of. You are funnier than that, Rebel.
- Isn’t there supposed to be a hot guy co-hosting?
- Did you know she was from Australia? I wouldn’t have never guessed without the Koala onezie, Flag and horrible Russel Crowe Jokes.
- Doing a hot person count (HPC) because I am bored.
HPC= .5 — (.5) Partial credit for the dude from pitch perfect/girls
- Really bad North Korea Lil’ Kim jokes.. dear god shoot me now. Please. I don’t know if I can do this. This is from the girl who watched all of the SMURFS.
Male performance: Bradley Cooper for SLP
HPC= 1 — (.5) for dirty Bradley Cooper.
Best WTF Moment: Jamie Foxx/ Samuel L Jackson Django Unchained. Happy that a good movie got recongized. Not really WTF. I kind of hoped he would do something like that.
- Note: Two of these WTF moments involves vomiting.. ick
- Rebel Mildly Funny Alert: Saying you could play black because you are into fat white chicks.
- Star Trek Into Darkness “cast” that has no Benedict Cumberbatch. You are irrelevant to me.
- Aww Zachary Q had to say “its only logical” and i think he threw up a bit in his mouth. He looked pretty in that suit. So he-
HPC= 1.5 —- (.5) Pretty ZQ and for him having to churn out the painful phrase.
- Sad that I don’t find Zoe Saldana hot anymore. It isn’t her. it is me. Hope you understand Zoe. Keep up the good work.
Best Fight: Avengers… Fair
HPC= 2.5 —– (1) Tom Hiddleston. In a suit. Adding on a .2 for the suit and being charming. (2.7)
- Joss Whedon Citing-1
Trailblazer: Emma Watson. Not really sure why. I guess Perks of Being A Wallflower is popular. I am not ragging on her. She is a perfectly fine actress but not doing anything Avant Garde acting wise. They probably could have found a young actor/actress that was doing more “trailblazing” things.
HPC=3.2 — (.5) Eddie Redmayne (Hotter in the jacket than as Marius but his mouth takes him down a bit).
- Rebel Mildly Funny Alert: Being the original tiger in Life of Pi and taking the stick away.
- Steve Carell Mildly Funny Alert: Noting his favorite kiss is from Silence of the Lambs when Lecter kisses the guard
Best Kiss: Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper for SLP. I don’t remember the others. They were irrelevant but probably should have won more than this.
- No J Law. Just Bradley. And he has already been counted for the HPC.
- Rebel Mildly Funny Alert: Naming her koala ,Chlamydia. Horrible but I can appreciate it.
- The Koala has x-ray vision and showed that Chris Evans has unshaven pubes and frilly panties. So the next logical choice is to move to:
- Quvenzhane Wallis (a 9 year-old girl) and show that in her cute kitty purse she has booze. Even the child shut your ass down, Rebel.
- Rebel Mildly Funny Alert: Calling Game of Thrones dragons and titties
HPC= 4.2 — (1) Peter Dinklage. He is all hotness.
Comedic Genius Award: Will Ferrell.
- They showed him being Mugatu. The clip package is worth it.
- Aubrey Plaza tried to take his award. It think she is drunk and I applaud her for doing something that isn’t boring, expected or tired.
- Oh Will you used to do these bits so much better many moons ago. Dressing in suit made of money. HAHAHAHA.
Having a family that is all Asian because you know that he is a white man would never fuck someone outside of his race.
- Fixing Your Joke Will: Should have told your Asian wife that you were going to Renew HER VISA rather than your vows. If you are going to play this thing, go all the way.
- Saw a commercial for The INTERNSHIP with Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. It looks horrible and that they could care less about this movie. They probably just wanted to spend a week at Google for the cereal.
- Seeing the cast from Fast and Furious VI requires a shameless Self-Promotion: I just watched Fast Five, so keep your eye out for that on an upcoming Clearing the Queue.
HPC= 4.5 —- (. 3) for Paul Walker. I may just be horny.
Breakthrough Award: Rebel Wilson. She was hilarious in Pitch Perfect. Wish Anna Kendrick was here. That would definitely raise the HPC.
- The tiger should have been nominated not the kid.
- Seth Rogen, Danny McBride are pulling down their pants. Ooh more unkempt hair. So funny that people have obscene amounts of crotch hair. I am rolling on the floor laughing. I have rug burn. Also on my vagina because I also can’t find a razor. TMI?
And McBride has a Chasity Belt. Now he has a key sticking out that looks like a silver penis. Because you Know that is funny. Who doesn’t like a good simulated penis visual joke. Not even 12 year old boys that just discovered that it does more than make yellow stuff, find this funny.
Best Shirtless: Taylor Lautner!!!
- Note: Best part is McBride and Rogen having to stand off to the side with their pants down. Kind of regretting this stupid bit now arentcha? Keep on talking Taylor. Make them stand there awkwardly FOREVER.
HPC= 5.5 —- (1) Taylor Lautner!!! Even with the felly (fake belly). At least he committed to his bit.
Best Villain: Tom Hiddleston
- They are playing a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song as he walks up. Karen O’s voice and him almost gives him extra points. And he is charming. Swoon.
Best Hero: Bilbo Baggins. Announced in commercial breaks. I guess the actor doesn’t get the award. And they probably can’t find the Shire. And that Bilbo is probably dead now.
- Oh you wrote these jokes Rebel. Don’t admit that. Blame someone else.
- Extra nipple joke? Really? Krusty and James Bond and Mallrats have already outdone you on this.
HPC= 6.5 —– (1) Kerry Washington. Pretty and hot.
Breakthrough Award: Jamie Foxx
- Note: this is the third special award they have given.
HPC= 7— (.5) Jamie Foxx’s daughter. She is hot but 19 and someone’s kid. Though he kept on pointing out how she was single. So fairish game?
- HUNGER GAMES!!!!! See trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyPnQw_Lqds
- Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Donald Sutherland makes the trailer. EPIC
HPC=7.5 — (.5) Liam Hemsworth. Not as hot as your brother but you get some points.
Musical Moment: Pitch Perfect
HPC= 8.5 — (1) Brittany Snow
Best Movie: Avengers
- Joss Whedon citing: 2
Awards Not Given at the Ceremony:
Best Female Performance: Jennifer Lawrence (SLP)
Best On-Screen Duo: Mark Whalberg and Ted (Ted)
Best Scared Shitless: Suraj Sharma (Life of Pi)
I understand it is probably because these people weren’t there to accept the awards, but I think they should have at least given the Female Perfomance award. I know it wasn’t a female disparaging choice, but it does give that feel.