MTV Movie Awards- Insufferable and Tiresome

I sacrificed a bit of my sanity to watch this mess. I did it so you didn’t have to watch this. For reals. I even bolded the winners so you don’t have to go no where else. I take care of my babies. Let me stroke your hair a bit.  Just how you like it. Wow that got creepy
I don’t know if I am too old or if this is superbad. I still like childish things and silly humor,  so I am going to go with this is really really bad. It was painful. So painful I would rather be fisted. Shameless Promotion- Check out the Fist. Awesome podcast and less painful than this clusterfuck. This isn’t the kind of pain you ask for in your momma’s German sex dungeon.

  • Iron Mangina.. Seriously? This is the only person that made mangina funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIInySnQe4I
  • Such a stupid opening bit with James Franco.. And I like Rebel Wilson…. Well I liked her in Pitch Perfect. Maybe she is only funny when given lines.
  • Lose Yourself with Pitch Perfect boys. Happy to see them but this is bad. I thought she was funny but this isn’t funny.. She is fat we get it… Choose something else to make fun of. You are funnier than that, Rebel.
  • Isn’t there supposed to be a hot guy co-hosting?
  • Did you know she was from Australia? I wouldn’t have never guessed without the Koala onezie, Flag and horrible Russel Crowe Jokes.
  • Doing a hot person count (HPC) because I am bored.

    HPC= .5 — (.5) Partial credit for the dude from pitch perfect/girls

  • Really bad North Korea Lil’ Kim jokes.. dear god shoot me now. Please. I don’t know if I can do this. This is from the girl who watched all of the SMURFS.

    Male performance: Bradley Cooper for SLP

    HPC= 1 — (.5) for dirty Bradley Cooper.

    Best WTF Moment: Jamie Foxx/ Samuel L Jackson Django Unchained. Happy that a good movie got recongized. Not really WTF. I kind of hoped he would do something like that.

  • Note: Two of these WTF moments involves vomiting.. ick
  • Rebel Mildly Funny Alert: Saying you could play black because you are into fat white chicks.
  • Star Trek Into Darkness “cast” that has no Benedict Cumberbatch. You are irrelevant to me.
  • Aww Zachary Q had to say “its only logical” and i think he threw up a bit in his mouth. He looked pretty in that suit. So he-

    HPC= 1.5 —- (.5) Pretty ZQ and for him having to churn out the painful phrase.

  • Sad that I don’t find Zoe Saldana hot anymore. It isn’t her. it is me. Hope you understand Zoe. Keep up the good work.

    Best Fight: Avengers… Fair

    HPC= 2.5 —– (1) Tom Hiddleston. In a suit. Adding on a .2 for the suit and being charming. (2.7)

  • Joss Whedon Citing-1

    Trailblazer: Emma Watson. Not really sure why. I guess Perks of Being A Wallflower is popular. I am not ragging on her. She is a perfectly fine actress but not doing anything Avant Garde acting wise.  They probably could have found a young actor/actress that was doing more “trailblazing” things.

    HPC=3.2 — (.5) Eddie Redmayne (Hotter in the jacket than as Marius but his mouth takes him down a bit).

  • Rebel Mildly Funny Alert: Being the original tiger in Life of Pi and taking the stick away.
  • Steve Carell Mildly Funny Alert: Noting his favorite kiss is from Silence of the Lambs when Lecter kisses the guard

    Best Kiss: Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper for SLP. I don’t remember the others. They were irrelevant but probably should have won more than this.

  • No J Law. Just Bradley. And he has already been counted for the HPC.
  • Rebel Mildly Funny Alert: Naming her koala ,Chlamydia. Horrible but I can appreciate it.
  • The Koala has x-ray vision and showed that Chris Evans has unshaven pubes and frilly panties. So the next logical choice is to move to:
  • Quvenzhane Wallis (a 9 year-old girl) and show that in her cute kitty purse she has booze. Even the child shut your ass down, Rebel.
  • Rebel Mildly Funny Alert: Calling Game of Thrones dragons and titties

    HPC= 4.2 — (1) Peter Dinklage. He is all hotness.

    Comedic Genius Award: Will Ferrell.

  • They showed him being Mugatu. The clip package is worth it.
  • Aubrey Plaza tried to take his award. It think she is drunk and I applaud her for doing something that isn’t boring, expected or tired.
  • Oh Will you used to do these bits so much better many moons ago. Dressing in suit made of money. HAHAHAHA.
    Having a family that is all Asian because you know that he is a white man would never fuck someone outside of his race.
  • Fixing Your Joke Will: Should have told your Asian wife that you were going to Renew HER VISA rather than your vows. If you are going to play this thing, go all the way.
  • Saw a commercial for The INTERNSHIP with Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. It looks horrible and that they could care less about this movie. They probably just wanted to spend a week at Google for the cereal.
  • Seeing the cast from Fast and Furious VI requires a shameless Self-Promotion: I just watched Fast Five, so keep your eye out for that on an upcoming Clearing the Queue.

    HPC= 4.5 —- (. 3) for Paul Walker. I may just be horny.

    Breakthrough Award: Rebel Wilson. She was hilarious in Pitch Perfect. Wish Anna Kendrick was here. That would definitely raise the HPC.

  • The tiger should have been nominated not the kid.
  • Seth Rogen, Danny McBride are pulling down their pants. Ooh more unkempt hair.  So funny that people have obscene amounts of crotch hair. I am rolling on the floor laughing. I have rug burn. Also on my vagina because I also can’t find a razor. TMI?
    And McBride has a Chasity Belt. Now he has a key sticking out that looks like a silver penis. Because you Know that is funny. Who doesn’t like a good simulated penis visual joke.  Not even 12 year old boys that just discovered that it does more than make yellow stuff, find this funny.

    Best Shirtless: Taylor Lautner!!!

  • Note: Best part is McBride and Rogen having to stand off to the side with their pants down. Kind of regretting this stupid bit now arentcha? Keep on talking Taylor. Make them stand there awkwardly FOREVER.

    HPC= 5.5 —- (1) Taylor Lautner!!! Even with the felly (fake belly). At least he committed to his bit.

    Best Villain: Tom Hiddleston

  • They are playing a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song as he walks up. Karen O’s voice and him almost gives him extra points. And he is charming. Swoon.

    Best Hero: Bilbo Baggins. Announced in commercial breaks. I guess the actor doesn’t get the award. And they probably can’t find the Shire. And that Bilbo is probably dead now.

  • Oh you wrote these jokes Rebel. Don’t admit that. Blame someone else.
  • Extra nipple joke? Really? Krusty and James Bond and Mallrats have already outdone you on this.

    HPC= 6.5 —– (1) Kerry Washington. Pretty and hot.

    Breakthrough Award: Jamie Foxx

  • Note: this is the third special award they have given.

    HPC= 7— (.5) Jamie Foxx’s daughter. She is hot but 19 and someone’s kid. Though he kept on pointing out how she was single. So fairish game?

  • HUNGER GAMES!!!!! See trailer here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyPnQw_Lqds

  • Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Donald Sutherland makes the trailer. EPIC

    HPC=7.5 — (.5) Liam Hemsworth. Not as hot as your brother but you get some points.

    Musical Moment: Pitch Perfect

    HPC= 8.5 — (1) Brittany Snow

    Best Movie: Avengers

  • Joss Whedon citing: 2

Awards Not Given at the Ceremony:
Best Female Performance: Jennifer Lawrence (SLP)

Best On-Screen Duo: Mark Whalberg and Ted (Ted)

Best Scared Shitless: Suraj Sharma (Life of Pi)

I understand it is probably because these people weren’t there to accept the awards, but I think they should have at least given the Female Perfomance award. I know it wasn’t a female disparaging choice, but it does give that feel.

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2 thoughts on “MTV Movie Awards- Insufferable and Tiresome

  1. So, I love this and am going to comment on things. Here I go.
    1. Totally agree that the Iron Mangina and intro was stupid. I was sad.
    2. I actually did like the Lose Yourself bit, but that might have been masked with the men’s beauty.
    3. YAY ZACHARY QUINTO!
    4. Tom Hiddleston is a fox and I’m the only one in this house who thinks so.
    5. I don’t know why Emma got this award but I do know I love her and was in tears. Harry Potter is still taking over my life.
    6. Les Mis showed me just how beautiful Eddie Redmayne really is, but he’s even prettier outside of character!
    7. Steve Carrell’s Silence of the Lambs joke had me nonstop laughing.
    8. Did not laugh at all when Will was on stage lol.
    9. yayyy Hunger Games trailer!
    10. I also wish Anna was there.

    Finally, I found out that they did not show best female performance because MTV was pissed that she didn’t show to the awards. This is why so many mistaks were made because they had to rearrange jokes and speeches that had already been prepared. I don’t know how true this is, but Charity told me and she’s a freak for J-Law lol.

    ohhh and a final thing, I don’t think Ted should have won anything…ever.

    Loved your post 🙂

  2. Dear MTV, do the entirety of humanity a favor: take your profits and go home. Permanently.
    1. This is a tired bit but it cannot be stated enough. MTV stands for Music Television. This channel hasn’t shown a music video since before I had pubes. Let’s get to that shall we?
    2. The repeated out of control pubic hair jokes were the oldest joke of the night. Strike that. Will Ferrell was the oldest joke of the night. His obliviously inappropriate character would still be funny if, as you said, he had gone all the way with the bit.
    3. As you stated, Victoria,we get it. Rebel is fat and Australian. I haven’t seen a comedian this stuck to their bit since Myq Kaplan. Did you know he’s likes using wordplay to get laughs? I’d include Jim Carrey but Jim actually learned to act somewhere along the way.
    4. I loved the Old Gregg link. I forgot how awesome they are. Miles ahead of anything MTV has produced in the last 20 years. The last time MTV was relevant, Pedro Zamora was still alive.
    5. This seemed like a night where EVERYONE was off. No one brought their A-game. OK perhaps Quvenzhane did. You all got upstaged by a 9-year old. Okay Emma was charming. Joss is always cool. The rest of you can perhaps take it from the top and try this again.
    You Victoria, nailed this. I give you credit for trying to find a silver lining by doing your Hot Person Count. Even somewhat hot people couldn’t save this and to be completely fair. To be the generous philanthropist in this story, NO ONE WAS HOT. Not one. OK Jennifer Lawrence has pretty eyes. Peter Dinklage intimidates the fuck out of me and that oddly does something for me. Some of you have a lot of work to do. The rest of you, I’m sorry. You can’t help genetics.
    To end the night, fuck MTV. To hell with these awards. It was a way to waste a couple hours. A couple hours I’ll never get back. Thanks for that, Victoria. NOT!

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