Billboard Music Awards 2013

Since I think these are based on charts and fairly easy to figure out,  I am going to focus on the performances.  I started eleven minutes in and didn’t see the opening. Probably doesn’t matter that much. (Update: It was Bruno Mars and it was probably Temptations-esque awesome.)

Selena Gomez
I think she is trying to go for the bondage gypsy. Her house just got TP’d and she is telling her assailants to come at her. I believe, she is 18 now and still has that child-like face.  So having a song  with the line  “when your ready, come and get it” is so kind of super wrong. Like so kinda. Totally. Gnarly dudes.

The Band Perry
Of course they are going to do “Better Dig Two” or they would have to dig three.   Hahhah. Its a sibling band!  Is it weird to play while your sister kinds of sexily moves across the stage? She totally has sex hair. Approves. Except the laser beam show. This isn’t a Pink Floyd thing in IMAX at your local science center. You aren’t trying to get more money to save the ball that shows you how gravity works. Drums!!! I love people playing the single drum. They are all doing it!! Three drums for three people. The brothers kind of look like girls. And with that I am officially old.

Icona Pop
Kind of excited. Ooh one of these girls has thighs I want to bury myself in. I will just focus on that while she sings to me. Probably also not a good idea to listen to this song while using the laser pointer to play with my thugcat. She was so confused.

Chris Brown
Ugh. Just so you all know, no matter how popular he is now, he is still an unrepentant woman beater.

Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis
Not sure which one is which,  but dude in military coat has good dance/rap presence. I am sorry I don’t know them. Love the background dancers dressed like Fly Girls. If Fire Marshall Bill makes and appearance, I will be so happy. I don’t have any of my clothes for the 90s anymore but there was this one peach halter short jumpsuit thing that I would kill to wear now. I don’t care if it is dated I will skip the bodysuits with the crotch snap. And the high bangs. Oh the song was fine BTW.

Taylor Swift
She really hates hipsters.  Let’s clarify– she  hates that one boy she dated that she thought was a “hipster”.  She is wearing a unicorn shirt because that is being 22. She kind of has burying-head-thighs. Will not think about that.  No idea what the fuck those dancers are supposed to be except not taking the spotlight from TSwift with faces and all (“You wear this mask now!”).  Fuck you with that face TSwift. Maybe that is why you have so many broken relationships is that guys just want to shove their cocks into that mousy smug face to show you how to Whistle. Because that is what Flo Rida would do.

Kacey Musgraves
Thank you for spelling your name because seriously no one knows who the fuck you are. You have a pretty country voice. You have a nose ring so that makes you edgy, I get it. Oh I know this song! I hate this song. Piano player has an iPod at the piano. Oh technology. What happened to the Sesame Street style? Bang your head on the piano in frustration? The merry-go-round is broken because we made too many references to Marys. This makes me a clever and serious musician  Geddit?

Justin Bieber
OMG SQUEE. JK –I don’t like him that much. He is taking us on Justin Air. I hope there are oxygen masks in case there is a drop in cabin pressure. You know what I mean? Seriously. Because I don’t. His jacket is missing an arm. I really need to know why. Maybe his mom kept it to fix it later but forgot? Maybe his cat ripped it off? Maybe bondage gypsy thought that Beebs was the TP perp and ripped it off in a fit of rage?  He is wearing leggings with a drop bottom. That makes him look like he has a curtain in his pants. I have a feeling there is no big reveal. Just a failed magic trick.

Pitbull and Christina Aguilera
Not to be shallow but, fuck it, Christina lost some weight. Not a bad or good thing– I just noticed it. I like some Pitbull. He is fun. And danceable. It is a pretty standard performance. I keep on looking at Christina’s thighs and trying to see if I need to bury into them. I have a problem. Wow they brought on a guy from A-ha (Or the guy. No fucking clue). Oh the audience shots! The kids who the fuck is this?  And the adults who sing along. How precious.

Actual squee. He has a rag in his back pocket and I am okay with this. I am just mesmerized. I love his voice so much. And this is background graphics but just letting him and his voice shine. Swoon for butter voice. When he leaped from stage to stage I think some fan got some junk. If you know what I mean. (Update- he fell on her. Oops)

Ed Sheeran
Better do A-Team because I don’t know or care about the rest. He is the ginger with the wispy everywhere hair. And the tiny guitar. This song is a snooozefest. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Jennifer Lopez
Pitbull again. If he wasn’t energetic and upbeat, I would totally say “go home Pitbull, you’re drunk.” I don’t care about you anymore, J-Lo (not Pitbull. He cool man). I had to watch Parker (blog post soon) and I feel burned from that. Though with those boots, those thights. No, I don’t like J-Lo. Sure let’s slide down the pole and do it from such a height where people think Firefighter and not Stripper. Sure with those red tribbles on your arms I don’t know what you are supposed to be. Aww the ubiquitious T-Swift dancing in the audience shots. Because you guys, she loves EVERYTHING. Since when did laser shows make a comeback? I Remember them as an option between that and fireworks for the backgrounds of my school photos.

Will I Am and Justin Bieber
They are both wearing the parachute leggings. I don’t know why this is a thing? Wouldn’t you want to show how promising your stuff is? You aren’t good Will I Am. Justin can fly apparently because he is alive. Since those two things are related. Not even Petrie could do both of those. Eventually he could but it took a long ass time. And the threat of a T-Rex to get him to fly. But this dipshit 18 year-old can just auto-tune sing that he can fly. You better have evidence motherfucker. There are animated pterodactyls that are pissed at you.

David Guetta, Akon, Ne-Yo
More lasers. I really feel the need to roller-skate or pose with a really bad hair style. There is this one picture of me when I was like 12 or 13 and I had high bangs and a button up shirt with a tie. A TIE. Multicolored. Because not only was I business serious, but I was also quirky.  I think I wore leggings with it. Omg I was a fashion victim. Oh this song. Dance beat, some rap. Very boring. Because people who can actually sing, are auto-tuned. For no good god-damn reason. Though David Guetta looks happy and cute. Sorry Andreaboo.

Nicki Minaj, Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj Ass
Wow I never noticed her ass before. I have a feeling that she too felt that it has gone unappreciated which is why it is a featured performer.  Lil Wayne is here to rap a bit and for NM and NMA  to lap dance him now. And he looks scared. And she is fingering her pussy on stage. Wow . Seriously? You can rap and have actual talent Nicki. You don’t need to do this. You are better than this. A bit at least.

Has an afro. OMG. It was too expensive but so regretting not having an extra 250 to go see him in concert (petty cash). Funk version of Let Go Crazy. OMFG. Best thing ever. You need to see this video you all. Now-
I am just coming out of excitement. And wah wahs on the guitar. OMG. Seriously.

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