A Vivi Abroad- Firenze

The whole trip was accentuated by train rides. Maybe because I live in San Diego and public transportation and especially trains are so infrequently used. I love the romance of a train station. Especially when they are grand stations with beautiful arches. All of the train stations we were in were beautiful.  And that is how we made our way from Milano to Firenze.

Train Station!
Train Station!

Firenze (Days 3, 4, 5)

-In the amazing train station I had a croissant dipped in whip cream. With cappuccino. Amazing


-First thought about Firenze: fucking beautiful. No goats sad face. Joking aside, it is what you imagine when you think of an Italian city. Small curvy streets, cobblestones, cafes everywhere.

-The Bed and Breakfast we stayed at was charming. The hostess explained everything nearby, there are chirping birds and a garden. Amazing breakfasts.


-I had to overcome my vampire weakness and cross a bridge. The view was beautiful. The bridge led me to PRADA, Ferragamo, Gucci. Oh Italia!

-Every cafe has alcohol, cigarettes, coffee. If they just added dildo sales and rename themselves as vice shops.

-Baba al Rhum gelato.  It is rum and cake. So yummy. I think I came on the cobblestones. It probably isn’t the worse that Firenze has seen on their streets.

mmmm gelato
mmmm gelato

-I was so full, I couldn’t have cannolis. That was really the worse thing to happen.

-Dinner was meats and cheeses and bread. And this awesome liver spread. We had it with chianti.  OMG I ate liver with chianti. But no fava beans. That means I am cool? Right?

-Wanted to see Michelangelo’s David but refused to spend 34 euros to see a tiny marble dick.  In the end it is a man doing what I do when I watch Sherlock. And I have Scandal in Belgravia to keep my mind going and it is free on Neftlix.

-Uffizi art gallery is filled with tiny dicks and Christ.  Seriously I know I said I liked Madonna and Christ art pieces but this is way too much. He is just a dirty manger baby anyways.

-I made up stories for the statues. One dude had is own cum pitcher.

-Never really encountered the story of Leda and the Swan until this gallery. So many paintings and statues. We get that Zeus is a fuck machine. But seriously  making a woman fuck a swan. Also why would you fuck a swan no matter how fucking charming it is?

-I did get to see Botticelli Birth of Venus. I swear I didn’t cry. K maybe a bit. It was so beautiful.

-We stumbled into the Gucci museum and found a Cindy Sherman photography/video exhibit. A)Gucci people didn’t need to stare so much, I am not going to steal anything bitches. B)I love being in a city and just stumbling into amazing art exhibits.

-Followed up my gelato with more gelato.

-Also got more Lush Dirty body spray. Because I am a dirty girl afterall.

-Then I hulk smashed.

-Then I beered. Because I am a bawse.

-Stole some of Andrea’s puffs of awesomesauce.

-Saw a dog that just didn’t give a fuck. I hope he has the most badassery name like Montana Blaze.

-While walking the street I saw some older guys standing around a barrel, smoking and drinking wine. Exclaimed “I want to do that!” and less than 2 min later I am standing drinking wine.

-Then was able to get cannolis that day. We call it learning, son.

-I mildly like ham. Like barely tolerate it. Italy is such the strangest place for me. EVERYONE serves you ham. Most sammiches are a variation of fancy ham and fancy cheese. And if it isn’t ham, it is sausage or salami. Kids must learn early that Babe and Wilbur are evil on earth.

-Firenze cuter dogs than Milano. (FYI)  Also I pet a random cat.

-Bargello is most beautiful former prison ever. I am assuming all of these statues are prisoners that got shot with the gun that Dr. Frank-n-Furter had. Seems legit.

IMG_2631 IMG_2626

-Saw the gayest lion ever. I think Snagglepuss is looking him up on Grindr now.

-“Statue” with broken arms and cock. Which was lost first? Arms or cock? If it was arms then just fuck a cantaloupe. No need to go drastic.

-Saw a naked baby on a fish. Yeah I don’t know either. And I guess it used to be in a Whorehouse. Because yeah that is the way I want to be greeted when trying to find a tasty morsel to fuck, naked babies. On fish.

-I love a good beheading in art. I learned that. Moses also not as prominently featured for a biblical dude. He is also clothed which is strange for these statues. I guess they don’t know how to circumcise marble.

-Creepy statue  with old emaciated dude on a pile of baby heads. I know babies are the MOST filling thing in the word, so have some bread. There is no need to be that thin with that many heads.

-Caved and bought Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone in Italian. I have a book problem. But seriously <<NO POSTA DOMENICA>>>

-Dali loves mutated vagina. Well he really loves a good hip and then moved to the vagina and said fuck it who cares. Oh yeah we stumbled into a Dali exhibit. Yayay ART!

-Saw a dude reading Fleur De Mal in Italian. By himself drinking a beer.  He had a man bag, fancy hat, and sweater. Hipster much?

-By day 5 I was down with ordering things in stores and walking around with ease. That means I am totes native. LOLOLOLOL

-Day 6 brought packs of dudes on bicycles in matching shirts. Every set of guys had a different matching shirt. Ladies and gentlemen- here are your biker gangs of Italy!

-Had to have gelato before the art museum. Priorities people. Saw a Witkin photography exhibit. So beautiful and grotesque. My kind of stuff.

-Encountered a ton of bathrooms that had toilets with no seats. Regardless if it was a unisex or women only bathroom. Not sure who has all of these seats but if you would kindly give them back. They are really the worse souvenir ever. Promise.

-Found the Baba Al Rhum gelato again. And like your long lost lover- it was a quick time, satisfying but not as amazing as the first encounter.

-Encountered the slow food fair.  In a short period I was able to have: beer, wine and arancini (omg noms), Smoked Greek Craft Lager, a porchetta sammich which I saved the rest for later in my bag (like a bawse), more wine.

-I was too lazy to take the holiday sloth bus back, so I paid for a taxi. The driver played growl music, so Andreaboo was happy.

One thought on “A Vivi Abroad- Firenze

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