Clearing the Queue: Fast Five

Boring. It was so boring. This is my first Fast and Furious movie. Maybe I did really need to see the previous 4 to understand the complexities and point of this mess. I do like mildly serviceable action movies. I am a Jason Statham fan after all. So no idea why this didn’t hit me. Oh I know why. NO JASON STATHAM. Instead I got marble mouth and stickboy.

Fast and Furious 6 is coming out this Friday and there is a 50% chance of meatballs and chance that I will see it in the theater. Why? Because it has JASON STATHAM.

  • The wheels on the bus go tumble, tumble, explosion sound.
  • PERD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • These news reports are some of the shittiest quality. Even YouTube on a dial-up modem isn’t this bad.
  • In this news report–the pictures of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker must be their head shots. If not they need to take these “mug shots” and use them as head shots. Free advice from Vivi.
  • You got captured super quickly, Vin. You have been “on the lamb”,  (not literally. Though we haven’t see everything you have done.) for what? A day. Maybe a week? And boom caught.
  • How did you get to South America? Don’t you need a passport? Wouldn’t people be looking for you? It isn’t like you “blend in” to this world.
  • I am mildly curious to know what you originally got arrested for, but not enough to look it up or watch the other 4 movies.
  • Ooh it is the Rock. He is super surly. Maybe he burnt a pie or something.
  • In the initial “lets pull out our guns at each other” , Rock’s dick is bigger than Brazil.
  • Maybe less running and more driving. I thought this was supposed to be a movie about driving. Preferably fast.
  • Vin got caught AGAIN. He is probably relieved that he is also good at escaping.
  • You know it is always ONE LAST JOB. And then you get pulled back in.  Especially when I know the future and there is a FF VI.
  • The two black guys making are  Rick James and MLK Jr jokes. Relevant and current.
  • You guys are so stupid….. The Rock isn’t doing that much work to figure out their plan, known associates and CARS.
  • So now it is ROCK ALL THE WAY
  • Why are you surprised that Ludacris knows everything about the safe?  Isn’t that what you hired him for? Why would you even consider giving that man over 10 million dollars if he was shitty at his job? This isn’t corporate america. BOOM!
  • So this is like a crappy Oceans 11, 12 or 13. Now set in Rio!  Blurg
  • I thought they were poor? How did they get the money for all this equipment. Is there a bank that loans to criminals?
  • Do I win a stuffed bear if I correctly guess the number of marbles Vin puts in his mouth?
  • I am an hour into this mess before there is car racing. We didn’t get to see the actual race. Because why would that be interesting at all?
  • The Rock is really sweaty
  • Vin has caught you now Brazilian cop. And he stole your necklace but he isn’t going to sex you because he is classy like that.
  • The UN of thieves is praying.  Aren’t you violating  all  10 commandments?
  • Vin and the Rock  are punching and groaning and rolling on top of each other. That just sounds like a Sunday after tea.
  • I went to brush my teeth and someone died… I don’t really care.

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