Clearing the Queue: Parker

I understand that my need to watch every Jason Statham movie will lead me to bad movie town. With this moving picture I am firmly in this town surrounded by cardboard cutouts of characters, silly story lines, and not enough good action.  I have heard rumors this is based on a novel or some source material that has to be 10000 times better than this. So find that and watch/read that. I mean probably just staring at the book is more entertaining than this movie.

As I am writing this review, I am re-watching Silence of the Lambs. Because Buffalo Bill is used often for humor, I just find him comical rather than scary. And so intriguing during the Goodbye Horses scene. Also the girl he had trapped in the well was kind of annoying. I don’t think she will be a better person now that she has been rescued. Also did she get to keep Precious? Precious was a bit of a sausage dog. Also I really hope that Lecter does his face and hair like Rob Lowe from Behind the Candelabra.

Oh this movie. Yeah I have notes for this thing. Spoilers are below but really it doesn’t matter because you shouldn’t watch it. Even if you are a Statham completest like me.

  • Statez is a priest. Insert confession joke here. Rectory joke.
  • If you pop 3 balloons with a dart you get a pillow pet. Seriously that carnie must be losing money. Or will get killed by the other carnies.
  • Heists with costumes!!! Priest and two clowns walk into something and steal something
  • Aww Statez calming down a freaked out security guard. Is this  a robbery with a smile? Amenities? Sure we will rob the shit out of you but we won’t kill you (maiming is okay), you get robes while you wait for us to clean you out, and our priest will provide calm down service.
  • It is a flashback because there is Vaseline on the screen. Otherwise I would have thought the priest was magically transported to a pool party. Would have made this more interesting if there was time travel or teleportation or magic.
  • Bald guy dick fight!!! (Honestly I don’t remember fully what this was about but I am suspecting it was Statez and Chiklis)
  • This is the lamest fight ever in a car. Lets all slowly pull out our guns rather than being decisive people. Which is how poor Bunk got shot.
  • Statez died fast. Movie is over people.  Lets go home. Or did he really die? DUN DUN DUN
  • So I hope this family will adopt him and he will save Metropolis from the evil Lex Chiklis.
  • With VoiceBox and Black Orderly this is shaping up to have horror movie characterization. Way to aim high.
  • Dude you have a voice box! Why do you believe in God. Maybe you are God and you are praising yourself. In my world God is a long term smoker who realized he can’t have it all and now has a voice box. God realizes this isn’t a downgrade but an upgrade because he can amplify it to make his voice boom more to scare the Angels while they are on the toilet. Oh God. He is your father after-all. He has that humor. Just wait till he pulls out his Saint John Joke book.
  • Classic fake nurse trick. I liked it better when on the OC they did it as candy stripers. Or in Silence of the Lambs when Hannibal wears a face to fake as a dying person. He wears A FACE. Where is your commitment Statez?
  • He has good first aid skills. It makes sense. That should be the first requirement of all thieves. Then learning how to thieve. Because you aren’t going to be a professional at first and you might get stabbed/shot a bit.
  • Oooh his big gun came with a mini gun! It is just like when I get a tote bag and it comes with a smaller cuter bag. Exactly like that but for death.
  • “It’s not the size. It’s how you use it.” Get it? It is a white guy talking to a black guy.
  • This movie really show the problem when everyone in this nation has a gun. Jason Statham will steal them all. For science of course. And shooting.
  • Of course Lex Chiklis has evil connections. And probably plans to destroy the world. We need a Superstatez to turn the worlds polarity back. Maybe they will both also get hair too.
  • When you fill out the Craigslist ad for potential henchmen for your evil enterprise, the first requirement should be “GOOD AIM”.
  • These strange cut-scenes are so it can be translated to SPIKE TV easily.
  • Of course the huge fuck-up in this group of evil is the one who is connected to a super evil person.
  • Statez is supposed to be American? He is the Sean Connery of mediocre action films.  (IF YOU SAY ONE THING ABOUT THE HIGHLANDER I WILL SWORD YOUR FACE)
  • This movie is one big dick joke.
  • I love thieves with their honor codes and principles.
  • Now States has a a Texan accent. It is precious.
  • You are theives in the modern age- no trip wire? Not a single Anti-theft system in place. No cameras.  Jason Statham’s movies are so low-tech it’s adorable.
  • “Ow you are hurting my neck”  Yes that is the point.
  • J-Lo shut-up. You are telling me your life story. I don’t care. Statez doesn’t care.
  • Now she is getting undressed for no good Goddamn reason. And drinking wine. Quit it. This isn’t Fame and you are no Coco.
  • “Where are they going to hid” Really? Script supervisor you had one JOB.
  • Good note for thieves: always have an ample supply of antibiotics.
  • Aww J-Lo you thought you would get money and the thieving murderer too. You can only have one.
  • You used fireworks to cause a fire? Isn’t that really obvious that it is to steal the jewels? What fire has started off with fireworks?
  • Fuck I hate dumb bitches. You used all the bullets on one guy. Now you have no more bullets.

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