I am hungover. I had an awesome night of beer, friends, beer, laughing, beer. Did I mention that I had beer? So now I am here trying to sit upright like you normal people and finding hard to not lean. But I push forward and excelsior or some shit. You need music. It is a day. I will give you music and some hangover cures I found that have to be true since I found them on the internet.
Oh this might get weird and I am tired so I am not proofing this too well. Sorry for errors.
Remember that one time? Where I fell in love with a banjo player and we drank moonshine out of a jug on the side of a road. After a carnival. We had dirty moonshine banjo sex on the patch of grass I happened upon. That moonshine is powerful! I saw banjo stars in my eyes for three days.
Hangover Cure: mashed potatoes from KFC
Remember that one time? Where we found that bottle of absinthe in the trash? We both thought it was just a bottle of colored water but it was actual absinthe! We drank it while pretending to be stumpy like a washed out French artist. Oh our French accents! They were so horrible. I even ended up coughing up blood. I come to play hard.
Hangover Cure: Ice cold shower
Remember that one time? I pretended to be James Bond all night and tried to lure French women back to my place. After my 5th martini, I finally snagged a croissant and we crooked her up some more.
Hangover Cure: shot of pickle juice mixed with beef bouillon
Remember that one time? When we first met. I was 5 gin and tonics into my evening and you were a sober monkey. I feel on you saying you were the beautiful-est person in the world and then I proceeded to fall on my ass. Then I started singing “I Will Always Love You” looking up at you while sitting on the floor. Best floor nap ever.
Hangover Cure: foot massage
Remember that one time? You tried to marry the iPad. You wore Siri down and she finally said “Whatever, Elder Lord Awesome McFancyPants”. I can’t believe you make her call you that. We made a veil for Siri and you wore your finest suit and we had her play music to walk herself down the aisle. We had so much champagne to celebrate your digital nuptuals. Siri McFancyPants seemed happy for a moment and then the next morning we found the note. “I’m sorry. I can’t. No one likes hotspacho. It isn’t raining. Sencrly yours Siri McFancyPants.”
Hangover Cure: chocolate ice cream
Remember that one time? We saw the hobo in the laundromat. We went to the liquor store next door and bought like 10 cans of colt 45 in 10 separate paper bags and drank with the hobo. We talked about apocalypses, canned soup, train travel. We didn’t even have laundry to do. We just wanted to play Double Dragon.
Hangover Cure: 3-4 apples
Remember that one time?We decided to beernic (picnic with lots of beer and little food) at this park with a huge hill. And we did ice block races down the hill and ended up rolling down the hill screaming “As You Wish”. Then we ended up cosplaying LOTR mixed with Princess Bride. Shit got real that day. Gimli lost an eye.
Hangover Cure: 1 teaspoon of non-aluminum baking soda with eight ounces of water
Remember that one time? I decided to learn to play the Drums. In our apartment. The neighbors traded me a case of wine for the drums. Then they took the drums outside and smashed them so I would never play again. Oh that one time I pretended to be the guy from Def Leppard. It is so much fun pretending to be the disabled. Better than Lars.
Hangover Cure: Pho
Remember that one time?We got drunk on Campari and Soda and ran into Cirque du Soleil people. They taught us routines or tried to. I spun on those ribbons! I only fell twice and hit my head. I punched one for not letting me do the wheel. He fell to the ground. And I got on that wheel. And died. I am a ghost now. Sleepy ghost but a ghost.
Hangover Cure: Whole Milk
Remember that one time? I became digitally animated. Like in the stupid Dire Straits video. I met a digi girl and a dog and stole some digi tvs. Didn’t do much else. Oh I digi danced my way to digi hell. It was colorful but not too hot. Digi sex is so binary.
Hangover Cure: Shrimps in brine
Remember that one time? We road tripped from San Diego to Austin. We had nothing but some clothes and 3 bottles of Jack Daniels. We picked up a band going to SouthbySouthwest and they played us songs while we drove. Well you drove. I drank in the front seat and made the band play songs like “I Wanna Know What Love Is” and “Ghetto Supastar”
Hangover Cure: Bath infused with Wasabi