Good: White House Down
When going into the theater I knew it would be a “low-stakes” action film: no real danger or serious violence. I wanted a film that had explosions, fights, and Channing Tatum in a tank top. It fulfilled all of these requirements. For me this movie is the equivalent of the stupid romantic-comedy –you know how it will end, you will chuckle during part of it and be happy. Mindless amusement. These things will be the reason that some won’t see this movie and I see your reasons. This is a shitty rip-off of Die Hard. Having seen Die Hard for the first time recently, I know this is very much a Die Hard in the White House without the awesome Hans Gruber. Somehow it still works for me. It has amusing parts and explosions. Oh and Channing Tatum in a tank top. And CT and his tank get wet for “reasons” twice in this film.
Bad: Jay-Z Magna Carta…. Holy Grail
I feel like to write this album Jay-Z made three lists: 1. of things he likes 2. of awesome things he owns and 3. places he has been Then he picked items off the list until they were all crossed off. And it seems that Basquiat was listed twice. Then he seemed to be ragging on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Miley Cryus which made him seem like a crotchety old man. Overall I found the beats and music great. Justin Timberlake and Frank Ocean’s parts on Holy Grail and Oceans, respectively, were beautiful. Jay-Z’s rhymes were weak and at one point he used the flow of Back that Azz up which didn’t make sense at all. The song he did with Beyonce can get gone. I may have a bias because coming down from the Kanye West album (Yeezus) which was an unique amazing experience and then listening to this album which was serviceable but just kind of mediocre. I wanted more and I feel like it was just something to do to prove a point that he could get a big company (Samsung) to give him a best-selling record. And to have something to do when touring with Justin Timberlake.
The I Should Have Given It More Time: Tombstone
Yes the movie. Not the frozen pizza (eew cold cardboard). Do they make Tombstone anymore? Did they cry when Digiorno came to the front of the frozen pizza game? Because crying over a frozen pizza is probably the saddest thing ever. I have re-written my notes for clarity but you will have the mind-state I was in when I tried to watch this movie. I think I got through maybe 30 minutes before I shut it down. I will put sober Vivi notes in brackets. So here we go:
I think there are two problems with me watching this:
1. I am drunk
2. I keep on calling it the tombstone
3. Why do i hear fucking children? Is 9pm and they should be asleep. [Yes I got my drink on early and I don’t know how to count]
- More notes about this awesome gem of a movie that I think I am supposed to see
- Of the movies available I was supposed to see Head more but that movie is almost 3 hours long and that is tooo fucking long. Seriously is it worth 3 hours?
- Mustaches win and I hate westerns Is that Powers Boothe with a mustache?
- OMG he is the awesome even though I hate westerns.
- Thank you for telling me your name Powers Booth, otherwise I would have called you mustached-stupid-cowboy. And if you heard me call you that, you would have killed me.
- On her wedding day? Seriously that is just a dick move. Seriously a dick move.
- Another mustachioed dude I have to figure out. Hey Tombstone, I am drunk. Give them colors: like purple cowboy, pink cowboy, blue, green, etc.
- Ooh Bill Paxton. This is like Independence Day with no black people (i.e. Will Smith). [I confused Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton at this point]
- I think that dude is the dude. No it is Kurt Russell.
- Is Doc Holiday good or bad? With everyone having a mustache, how am I supposed to know?
- I hate this music. It makes me want to reach into my ears an carve out a boat.
- “Skin that Smokewagon” means something completely different to me.
- NOT NOW, BILLY ZANE
- AIDIAN. I know Carrie totally fucked you over but in the end you got a baby and then you got this awesome beard.
- Billy Zane is super pretty in this and possibly gay so it means he is going to die.
- Aww Sam Eilliot. I feel like he is going to sell me something like insurance or a rascal scooter.
- Maybe you should see a doctor for your ‘headaches’ while I go and fuck the devil. Seriously I need to. She made my pitchfork rise and I am Wyatt Earp. A naughty sherrif? [no idea]
- I love Val Kilmer in this because he is the awesome. 20 years later though he is a pudgy mess while Kurt Russel is a bearded hobo. [confusing Russell for Jeff Bridges]
- Now Billy Zane. Now!!
- Everyone is a baby with a mustache. [?????]
- Ooh a Latin off. Way better than just taking your cocks out to measure them. All I have to say is SEIZE THE DAY.
- Being able to twirl your gun like a pansy, doesn’t mean you know how to shoot. Unless you pansies are bored with AIMING and SHOOTING then stop with the fucking twirling.
- Aww Bill Paxton is sad because he knows he will be just a sad storm chaser instead of the president.