Teen Choice Awards- 2013

I watched this so you wouldn’t have to watch it.  Seriously would you have watched this in the first place?  I thought it would be a good reason to have 15-10 line items of snark for you all to read. However I didn’t expect it to be booooooooooooring. Like snoozearama. No good bits, no good music acts, no good anything. Except Darren Criss.  Who I swear I didn’t know he was hosting this. I just thought he was going to be there doing something adorably charming.  Hormonal girl aside, here are my anemic items of snark and squee (yes I succumbed to squee. Sigh.):

  • One Direction looks more bored than I am at the “Best Song Ever”
  • They shot their confetti load so early into this show. They are “teens” afterall.
  • Harry Styles looks so defeated. T Swift has that effect on men.
  • mmmm Darren Criss
  • So One Direction wins an award and the girls squee. They squee because they are cute and have songs they can suck on like lollipops. But they also squee because they are 5 guys with British accents which is totally not fair. When I was young (let me grab the slide projector and my cane) my young pop stars had Boston accents. This is what we had to swoon over.

    So I guess this is a thing
    So I guess this is a thing
  • I thought Liam Hemsworth said “Making Pitbull laugh”.  I  need that tumblr to exist. makingpitbulllaugh.tumblr.com   Where it is pictures of people doing goofy faces at Pitbull.
  • Rebel Wilson just made a no anal joke. Wow. They are childrenish, Rebel. Your name doesn’t allow you to be an asshole (my blog has no bleeps).
  • Pitch Perfect wins an award and I don’t get to see Anna Kendrick.  negative squee.
  • Seriously a lot of my notes are : he’s sweet, she’s sweet. Maybe I do want more Rebels talking about their assholes.
  • I just realized that these “teens” probably think Gossip Girl is too old. I just cried a little.
  • Other note: i have been re-watching Gossip Girl and Blake Lively can get it. Seriously if you need a little dyke break from RR, I am here love.
  • Florida Georgia Line featuring Nelly performing their song Cruise: I hope to fucking God it is spelled like that and not misspelled for some stupid reason. Also it would have been better if it featured Flo Ri Da. I have no idea how he spaces his name. So I am doing it by syllables and wishing on a star.
  • FGL ft N has a Keytar and Fire. That is the best way to start any party.
  • Two people who growded up: Cody Simpson and Abigail Breslin.
  • Abigail Breslin: I am happy the boob fairy was so generous to you, but child you are 17 so lock them titties up. Now.
  • Darren Criss just introduced Demi Lovato who introduced 5th Harmony who gave an award to Nick Jonas. For serious.
  • Damn Nick Jonas is cute.   Back Vivi back.
  • In honor of Nick Jonas and his type 1 diabetes, I am going to eat cake.
  • The more you know: I learned that Oklahoma City has a Basketball team.
  • Please stop yelling into the microphone Michelle Rodriguez.
  • Demi Lovato and her fake mullet performs with a New Order shirt and Nick Jonas on drums. In a sleeveless teee. mmmm. Back Vivi Back
  • Ashton Kutcher won an award for being awesome? Or for having a new movie coming out?  Either way he uses his time to talk about working hard, being grateful, thoughtful, smart and knowing you can change the world you are in. Wow. Maybe he is super awesome.
  • Mmmm Darren Criss in a leather jacket doing Smolderyeyes. I am melting:
  • At this point I was just naming people. Paramore, Miley Cyrus, Emblem3, Ed Sheeran. SNOOOOOZE
  • Darren Criss is twerking in a yellow tiger thing. I have pictures:


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