Because I liked Zero Dark Thirty, I thought it would be fun to watch another torture adventure. Little did I know it was I, the audience, that got waterboarded. I think besides the fact that this is a comedy going at the easiest and lowest common jokes I just didn’t understand what the movie wanted to be. Was it supposed to be a family friendly comedy? If so it failed on being friendly (it was seriously mean and kind of dark) and didn’t end up with some Full House moral learned. No one was better at the end of this movie. From all the movies I have seen Christmas is the time where people learn that they need to stop being dicks and start being nice otherwise some shitty ghosts will fuck shit up. Also that love will conquer all. This movie had none of that.
If it was trying to be a darker adult comedy then it failed there. I mean the first crotch attack wasn’t until an hour plus into the movie. Even the lowest of the comedies do that earlier.
As you can tell I hated this mess and I have notes. I will try my hardest not to have most of them be a criticism on the Schwarzenegger parenting style.
- OMG pink fluffy thing.
- There are Ninja Santas and I highly approve of this.
- This child is a total Marvel whore except for the TurboMan
- Sigh you are going to buy off your child’s love. Oh Schwarzenegger.
- My name is your father and I want to pump you up.
- This child is annoying as Anakin and here also.
- I think we are supposed to hate Ted because he is a functional father. This isn’t fucked at all.
- You are such a shitty person, Arnold that even the reindeer hates you.
- Ooh look the crazy black man. Who is still carrying mail. And dropping it.
- Arnold calm down with the punching, it isn’t Turbo Man’s fault you are a bad dad.
- Ted just straight up told Mama Anakin to go upstairs and masturbate. Then he ate her cookies. That is some insanity wolf shit there.
- PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN
- I am going to stab anyone that knocks Booster, my fluffy ball of pink
- If you aren’t a sexy Santa you are not allowed to Deck My Halls.
- A midget Santa flew into a wall and I laughed. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
- I think Anakin will always have daddy issues.
- As a parent you get multiple times a year to not be a screw-up and being there is more than getting some lame ass toy. It is the wanna be Iron Man. OMG I figured out the secret! Is the Pink Bunny in Iron Man 3 a nod to Booster?
- Suggesting that not having the coolest toy is why you are a royal fuck-up is crazy. Is this movie set in crazy town?
- Sinbad is committing a felony and just being an all around dick by dropping so much mail out of his bag. It is Christmas Eve and you are denying people of their precious letters and presents for you inability to be there for your child
- I first thought that Arnold burned the Baby Jesus but it was just Balthazar who I think was the black Magi. Which really doesn’t make it better
- Ted is a dick because he marinates Ahi Tuna in Italian dressing. He really is the origin of the insanity wolf or reindeer since it is Christmas time.
- And then he got schooled and bukakked
- Anakin is blaming himself. He really does make everything about him. Wah wah my dad didn’t get me a toy. Wah wah I need to build a big ball to simulate a toy I never had. Wah Wah I need to blow up the planet that my daughter lived on to show her she can’t go out with her brother. Wah wah.